Bit of a different post this one. Rather than a retrospective reflection, I needed to sit and talk out loud my thoughts on where Im at in life right now.
41, single and overweight. That's how I'd explain myself right now. What is actually true is that I'm in the highest ranking job of my career, healthy, safe, living in QLD which is mostly COVID unaffected. I have a work family who care a lot about me and a house mate who is generous, kind and fun. But for some reason I am struggling to foreground all the good things; and choose to define myself by the three big things that have hampered me for over 20 years.
Age, relationship status and appearance. Dont get me wrong. 41, single and overweight is absolutely my truth right now. My physical appearance absolutely disgusts me, enough to make me seriously thing about giving up on life, because I can't bear what I'm looking like. My stomach in particular. It's got more rolls than a bakery, and for someone who allegedly lived a 20 year elite sport existence I am nothing short of a disgrace and embarrassment, dare I say even disappointment.
I have lived such a big life. Yes endured and survived a lot of big things but also, experienced so many wonderful things, met awesome people, been cool places. But for some reason, my head is so far up my own butt. I've noticed I'm not naturally curious and interested in others from a place of care and empathy. My interest is a lot more in experiencing people. spending time with them that is about something else, not necessarily deeply concerned with them. Perhaps that's where I struggle to fit into peoples lives. I've noticed I have just floated in and out, and my nearest and dearest seem to love me, but they are so used to me being a temporary part of their worlds, they dont hold me in their priority contact list anymore, Im not a godmother to anyone's kids; people have rarely visited me in my travels, but even the ones who used to have stopped. I am that person (I'm even doing it right now) that somehow turns a conversation about others or anything into a story about myself. I know I'm doing it to try and relate or be seen, but, it's annoying for me, and I'm the perpetrator; I can only imagine what my friends say.
Im also a bit of a hurricane. I haven't grown up yet, and due to my character, I often fly in create a storm and mess and leave. Noone really knows what happened but they know I was there.
I have a severe social media addiction and mild alcohol problem. Through my studies I know that gluttony is a passion and in it's shadow can absolutely take m down. I know that discipline and focus are ways to realise the best out of myself, but to be honest, I just dont care about anything enough to want to. Im not inspired or attached enough to anything in my life, mostly myself to truly give a shit about making real change. I understand the importance of getting intentional about life, but every time I sit down to try and go through this, I know I am bullshitting myself. I literally dont care enough about anything. Other than what consumes my mind - will I ever find love again.
Want to know something funny. Even in writing this four paragraph story so far, I've checked my mobile phone four times at least. It's late at night, noone is messaging me, but I'm obsessed; and embarassed. So unhealthy but I dont know how to stop.
Does anyone else spend all this time in their head, completely self absorbed, over playing everything but yet being that caught up in themselves, that as soon as they're bored with one thing; they forget completely about it (literally nothing resonates in this brain) and they're on to the next shiny light. No wonder Saia called me Pepz - as in moth, I am a bloody moth.
I'm a bit worried about myself at the moment. My suicidal thoughts are hanging around a lot longer than usual. I think it's stress. I cried at work and seemed a lot more emotionally attached to decisions and issues than I normally would be. I've started a new eating plan and trying to lift my exercise but anything good from that gets lost in my alcohol problem. I honestly wish I would just get some kind of unhealthy obsession with bulimia again so I can lose this weight. It's so disgusting. I feel my rolls all day long, I just want to scream and cut it all off with a knife. I googled liposuction again today.
You know when I think about ending my life - which I still think I'd do by driving my car off a bridge. The things that make me feel like it's a good idea, is because I honestly dont see where I add value to anyones day by day life. I know my family love me, and some friends would be sad; but I think I could disappear in life, for probably a month or two, and barely anyone would notice. Noone needs me, depends on me and that's probably my own fault but when I think about reasons 'not' to end it - these are the arguments that help the cause.
Maybe its a bit to do with the not caring about myself, so I dont care much about anything else. I wonder how I get that back? What the secret is. Its funny but the lack of care is affecting my ability to hold conversations, and show that generous interest I was talking about. Some of it is because I think Im so busy that I dont lift my head to stop and smell the roses or live in the community. Rather it's about whatever Im doing in each minute and moment, without greater ecosystem context.
I wonder why that is?
If I was better in that space, I'd probably have a better relationship with food and exercise. Wine is another story altogether. Listening to a few different audibles lately I've noticed people are feeling a little bit the same in the relationship space as me. It's slim pickings and we're not quite open to meet people due to our social conditioning at the moment, it's a different world; but it isn't making a difference to my ability to connect with people, foreground some empathy and compassion for people and get my head out of my fat, 41 year old single ass.
Update - it's 15th May, so 9 months after writing this and I feel as though I could've written it today. A lot has changed. I was confronted with a harsh situation in March and asked to resign from my job or be terminated, because some members of my team couldn't work with me. The official reason they gave was that people had experienced me in such a way that the organisation had concerns about my honesty and trustworthiness. I feel like I've been swiped in the side of the head with a baseball bat.
Of all the things in my life that I am, I would never have through honesty and trustworthiness would be questioned.
In the last couple of months since this happened I've come to realise that there is definitely a number of areas I can work on, In particularly the way I build rapport with people and connect at human level / relationship level. I'd taken being an objective voice of challenge too far and think I must have shown up as way too abrasive for people. I also didn't play my cards well with the new CEO and showed too much of myself in my ugly processing way.. through some big issues involving diversity and inclusion in particular.
It's been pretty gutting to have been so betrayed by my team and that majority have not had the courage to even speak with me (before or) after the event. They are believing the line the new CEO gave that I chose to leave.
I am seeing some of the programming that I installed do good things, and think I did have a good impact in some ways - but considering Im a bit of a mess in my head at the moment, I've put even more weight on than last year and in particular on my stomach in quite an awful way and I just find it impossible to feel any sense of happiness at the moment. With anything.
I'm smart enough to know that this is something I need to get intentional about my changed behaviour and to reflect and identify what I want in my life. But at the moment, the darkness is looming like a really unwelcome character. Full of shame, doubt, self-judgement, disgust and dissatisfaction. What I think I need is to reframe those things with sense / beliefs that I want to have about myself. Change the way I refer to other people's opinions of me, and to disregard this nagging sense of unworthiness. That apologetic position that I hold of myself that how I show up is not appropriate, not good enough etc, That there are people out there who love me and enjoy my presence and that I do have value to add.
Touching back in another 10 months later, in February 2023. To be fair a lot of the above hasn't shifted, except perhaps a bit more self awareness, a new job and great bunch of people and an allowance on myself (with a therapists' help) to grieve some of the hurt that I've tried to just practically resolve over the years.
Despite the anxiety and fatal thinking still hanging a bout a bit, I am starting to get a sense of greater barriers and small layers of self value starting to rise up. I think surrounding myself with great people in my new job has helped. Positive energy and innovative thinkers has been an enormous blessing.
More blogs to come but for now; as I sit here nearly two years since this post started, I acknowledge, there's more work to do to find that peace and to welcome in my own ugly, to decrease some of this pity party I'm putting myself through.